I am a slave to a monster. My life is rapidly spinning out of control. I have no balance. I'm at an all time low. I'm in an out of control car going 80 towards a dead end.
This is a long overdue post and is very long and is filled with random thoughts and I'm sure plenty of errors. This is more than just a brain dump. This is...
I don't know what this is. But I feel like it's something I have to get out there if I ever want things to get better.
I always knew I wanted to be a photographer. I love love love photography. When I took my first photography class when I was 15, Mr. Greenway said that when you saw your first image start to appear on the paper in the developer, you will be hooked for life. It is truly magical. From that first day in the darkroom, I never wanted to leave. I took all 3 photo classes that year and they let me study independently for the next 2 years. I spent countless hours in the darkroom. My dad even built me a darkroom in our basement one year for my birthday. I love everything about photography. I love the sound of the lens locking into place and the shutter clicking. I love seeing a photograph in everything. I love imagining what the images will look like as a finished piece of art even before I press the shutter button. I love the smell of the darkroom. I love seeing other photographer's work. I love going through the B&H catalog. I love everything about photography. I feel so fortunate to have found my passion so early on in my life and I'm proud to say that I've been a photographer for nearly 15 years.
When you asked me what I wanted to do with my life, I would say that I wanted to do something creative. I was afraid to be a photographer. I was afraid that if it was my job, I would grow to hate it because it was a job. There is a little truth in that. When I was shooting for someone else in jobs that were clearly not right for me, I didn't like it. It was because I hated the situation I was in while I was taking those pictures. I wasn't shooting what I wanted to shoot. The problem was that I didn't really know what my niche was. I tried just about every avenue of photography, and never really excelled at any of them. The only time I had a photographed picked for the student gallery in college was when I was on the jury my last semester. When I left college, I had no idea what to do. I don't know how many people said "You should do weddings. There's a lot of money in weddings". My response was always the same and had some combination of reasons having to do with not wanting to sell out, not wanting to shoot the same boring stuff every weekend, and preferring nature because you don't have to tell it what to do. The truth was that photographing people scared the crap out of me. I didn't even know where to start to tell someone what to do. Sure, I made my sister model for me when I was in high school, but she was my little sister and it was just for fun. When my friends asked me to shoot their wedding, I seriously initially told them no. I don't do weddings. They insisted and saw something in me. My only experience in shooting weddings was friends giving me film to snap a few during their weddings, being a bride, and the countless wedding magazines I had gone through. I was scared to death and can't believe I didn't make any major mistakes. I still use a couple of their pictures in my portfolio. I was hooked. It was just like the first time I saw a picture come up in the darkroom.
I never set out to do this. I didn't decide one day that I wanted to open a wedding photography studio and go and research what it takes. Word got around and people just started contacting me. I still had a full time job and just did the wedding stuff on the side. I had no idea what I was doing. I literally made everything up as I went along. No one taught me how to price, do albums, come up with workflow, or anything. I didn't know anyone in the business. I had no idea that there was this whole network of blogs, forums, workshops, and products out there to use as support. When I had Noah, I quit my job and thought that I would give this whole photography business a shot. I didn't have a plan. I was still trying to figure out how to do this while I was coping with caring for an infant 24/7. I cried a lot. I didn't know what I was doing.
Almost a year later, a friend of mine introduced me to a girl she knew in college, Kelly Moore Clark. When I saw her pictures, I was in awe. She photographed everything my mind saw, but didn't know how to produce. It was the first time I had ever seen something like that. For Christmas that year, my parents payed for me to go to her first workshop. I turned a major corner. She taught in a way that I got. I learned things that I should have learned in photography 101 that I never understood. She unlocked this door in my head that unleashed all this information that was groundbreaking for me. It changed everything. I left on fire! My shooting got better, my editing got better, and I was finally introduced to this community of resources.
That was February of 2007. Since then, my business has exploded. People actually want to hire me and other photographers want my opinion. I don't know why. I don't know what I'm doing. I say that I'm an organized mess, emphasis on the mess. When I was introduced to that, I was then found that the possibilities were endless. I still didn't have someone to mentor me and help me decide what was right for me. It took me a long time to realize that no one could tell me what was right for me. I just had to research to find out for myself. But those were all things that should have been done at the beginning instead of in the middle of all the craziness. There was no good place and no available time to really deconstruct everything and do it right. So then everything I made up along the way started to get tangeled. Then life started to get tangeled as well.
When Noah turned 2, he wasn't talking. Sure, he was babbling, but he never said words. We found out that he had severe hearing loss when he failed a hearing test. We put tubes in his ears and he passed the same test 2 weeks later. Praise Jesus! Everyone told us about how they knew someone who started talking days after getting tubes. Not our Noah. We started down a road that I never thought we would be on. This road is paved with opinions, doctors, therapists, bills, specialists, psychologists, hard phonecalls, waiting lists, open doors, and closed doors. We don't know what Noah has. The child psych diagnosed him as having "Noah". He tested on the Autism spectrum twice last year. However, given his medical history of hearing loss and the fact that he's incredibly social, there are many question marks on whether that would be an accurate diagnosis. I am thankful that he didn't rush to label him. We are able to get the help he needs without that diagnosis. Once you're labeled "autistic", you can't get rid of it. So now he goes to a special ed preschool 3 days a week and therapy the other 2 days.
I work out of my house. I've turned the living room into work space and the dining room is currently storage. There isn't any separation between work and life. When Noah's here, he's VERY present. There is no doubt in my mind that he has a pretty bad ADHD. Sometimes he sleeps and sometimes he doesn't. When he doesn't, he has to be under near constant supervision. If you think you have him set, curled up on the couch watching a movie, and maybe can slip into the other room to check email, it's a gamble. I might get lucky and he might fall asleep. But more than likely I'll either get pulled into the den to have an epic battle to the death with spiderman/wolverine/transformer/jedi warrior (that I usually lose) or I'll realize that he's playing in one of the toilets. When Adam comes home at 5:30, I pass Noah off to him for the rest of the night. I try to then confine myself to my studio, but it never happens. I'm pulled away to see yet another epic battle or be the gunman while Adam and Noah are having a "shoord" (sword) fight. Even though I'm not "the parent on duty", the distractions are still there and I'm "on call". Most people get to go to an office where all they have there to do is their job. I have several full time jobs that all overlap and are all in the same place. My jobs include, but are not limited to, accountant, editor, designer, PR, housekeeper, home owner, mom, shipping and receiving, photographer, HR, receptionist, family tech support, therapist, customer service, inventory specialist, teacher, and wife.....all of which I'm failing miserably at.
This is my reality
I work at least 12 hours a day 7 days a week. I eat in front of my computer. I have constant headaches and backaches. I've had an 18 month old for 2 1/2 years. I've been potty training since June with no end in sight. I have 5 weddings, 9 sessions, 3 charity projects, 1 commercial shoot, and 7 albums on my to do list. That doesn't include the random email requests that I get during the day. My front porch needs to be replaced. My carpet needs to be cleaned. There are piles of laundry all over the place. We are fighting mice who like to poop in my printer tray. I've tried to find mothers day out programs to send Noah, but the open sports magically become unavailable when they hear they hear that he has some special needs. There are a plethora of people who are in a hurry to tell me what I need to do, but no one to help me do it. I have piles of paper all over my desk. I have hundreds of pictures of Noah that I'll never be able to get to. I feel guilty when I sleep, eat, take a shower, get my hair done, go somewhere with my family, or anything that takes me away from the business because so much needs to done. How dare I do something else when so many people are waiting on me. I'm pushed to take as much work that comes my way as possible, even though the voice in the back of my head says I shouldn't. I can't tell you the last time I made it to church. I don't know where my Bible is. I work my tail off every day and feel like I have very little to show for it. I set reasonable goals, but can't seem to keep them. I've never had a completely blank to do list. I've never been able to start a wedding season with nothing to do except preparing for my next shoot. I'm tired of fielding the "when are you having another kid" questions (we have no plans as of now, yes Noah can be an only child, there's nothing wrong with just having one, if you had to go through what I've been through since he literally was taken out of me, you wouldn't be in a hurry either). My work life is toxic for my family. My family life is toxic for my work. I feel very alone in my struggles.
Some of the things I'm about to type are not meant to hurt anyone's feelings or make anyone feel like I am ungrateful for anything. I am incredibly grateful for everyone who has helped me. I just have a lot of things that I've been feeling that I haven't been able to figure out how to say. I feel very alone in my struggles. I know that there are people out there who know where I am and have gone through similar areas, and that's not what I mean. I mean that there are a lot areas in my life that need to change and I don't feel like anyone else can recognize it but me. I have a lot of support in having my business. Adam supports me working. He supports me to take as many jobs as possible. He never complains when I have to work. My dad is a businessman and knows what you have to do to keep your business going. I've been conditioned to never put a limit on the business that people want to give you. You take everything that comes your way. The part of me that's my dad supports this and is afraid to say no to anything. In doing this, my house has become neglected. While Adam means well and has ever intention of doing things, they still don't get done. If something has to be done, about 75% of the time, I have to be the one to do it or initiate the action to get it done on top of 100% of the snowballing workload from the business and Noah. I get the harmless questions of when things will be done at least 2 to 3 times a day. My parents ask about when home stuff will be done. My sister wants to know when I'll have Noah's Halloween pictures up. My mom wants to know when I'll get to certain weddings. All those harmless questions start to add up and really wear on me. I'm scared to check my email and voicemail because I don't know what's going to be there. I've tried to kick adam and noah out for a week to have time with no distractions, but that was shot down. I can't seem to catch a break. Even when someone comes to help out around the house whether it's my mom or a babysitter, I'm still not left alone. They still pull me away with questions. Then there are friends I haven't seen in months. Everyone's reaction is the same to crazy busy. It's a good thing that I'm crazy busy because that means growth for the business. The kind of busy that I am shouldn't have happened though. It should have all been under control from day one. Until these people around me truely see and understand the struggles that I'm having, they won't really understand why I'm so far gone and feel this way. Something is very wrong and it's not just the pitfalls of owning a business. I'm not ok with continuing on like this. I normally say something like "It's ok that I'm upset or worried about this, you just need to let me feel the way I feel so i can move on". Where I am IS NOT OK.
I can't even write everything that has been going through my head. Overall, I feel like no one around me, none of the people who are my support system, knows the struggles I'm facing. Having a business is hard. Being the only employee of that business is hard. Having a child with special needs is hard. Keeping a good and healthy relationship with my husband in spite of those things is hard. I can see why some people cut and run. I'm ashamed to say that the enemy has put that thought into my head more than once. He's told me that if I were on my own, life would be so much easier.
THAT IS A LIE
I have found peace in my God who loves me more than I will ever understand as a human and will never never let me fall. Sure, if I were single and just had the business, my business would be easier to manage. Sure, if we didn't have Noah, then I could work while Adam's at work and get everything done like a normal job. Sure, if Noah didn't have special needs, we could find a mother's day out program for him like all the other mother's out there. But my life is with Adam and Noah and all that comes with that. They are my boys and our highs far out way our lows. Noah's laugh is the sweetest sound my heart has ever heard and I would be devastated if I couldn't ever hear it again. Adam is my best friend and I would be lost without him.
No, you don't have to talk me off of a ledge. I know what you're thinking, "Meggie, you need help", and you're right. I am hopeful that I will have someone in the office soon and we are putting plans in place for that to happen sometime soon. If any of you have read this far and are new photographers who want to help, thank you, but no thank you. I am not looking to hire another photographer anytime soon. We are still trying to come up with options for the times that Noah doesn't have school.
I recently went back to Louisianna to see Kelly. We talked through what's going on and she told me everything I already knew, but needed to hear from someone else. She asked me why I have the photography business. Is it because it can be good money? Or is it because I love photography? If I could do nothing else the rest of my life and not even get payed a cent, I would do photography. The money is just a perk and the business is a necessary evil. When I left, I put together a 10 step program to try to reclaim my life. I want to be rid of all the toxins in my life and home that are preventing me from finding balance. I want to detox by December 31st. I want to start 2010 clean and ready to rebuild. I've been telling myself all these lies that I can do this alone and I don't need help. Shame on you society for making mother's feel like they have to do it all themselves because that's their "job" and it's the life they chose. The worst part about being a mother, is other mothers. Yes, I am a working mother, and it's what works for me. The best thing I can do is find what works best for my family and go with it.
I just put a lot out there. But I'm desperate to get my life back. And I didn't know any other way to get started than to write it down.
I've asked for patience from you before, and I'm hoping that this will be the last time I ever have to ask for it again. But please, as I'm going through this cleansing process, be patient with me. I also ask for your support, positive thoughts, and prayers.
I WILL NO LONGER BE A SLAVE. I'M TAKING MY LIFE BACK.
This is a link to a video of Il Divo singing Amazing Grace that my friend Daryl sent me. It's incredibly beautiful and really spoke to my heart. I don't know how many times I've heard Amazing Grace throughout my life, but watching it was like hearing it for the first time. I wish I could embed it so you didn't have to go to a separate page, but I can't find the code.
IL DIVO - AMAZING GRACE
Thank you so much for all of the kind words, comments, messages, hugs, texts, emails, and phone calls. We have a long road ahead of us, and it's not going to be easy, but I'm ready to kick butt and take names. I'm blessed to have so many of you to offer your services and help in various ways.
"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
Ecc 4:9-12
On a side note, I would like to respond to something that was brought up in a comment below left by Mary. I commend her for actually writing it down, because I know that many of you had this same thought. It's not discouraging for me to read and doesn't make me second guess airing my "dirty laundry" out for the entire world. I'm human. I'm not a machine that runs a photo factory and just spits out images left and right. I don't seek out every potential client out there. I don't want to book every engaged couple, and I don't book every couple I meet with. I'm up front and honest with all of my clients and they know the struggles that I face. They know that I work out of my house and that Noah is not your average kid. They also know that I will not let anything but perfection leave my studio, so it sometimes takes a little longer. They book me because we are a good fit for each other. They love my work, and we really get along. I become friends with my clients and keep in touch with many of them long after their day is over. I'm not a business woman. I'm an artist. As my mom says, I wear my emotions on my sleeve and you always know what I'm feeling. During a 6 hour wedding, I'm smiling 5 1/2 hours of it behind the camera. When I get a shot that's unbelievable, I start jumping and dancing. I'm not just a photographer for my clients. I happily fill in whatever space they need filled on the most important day of their lives. I have fixed their hair, rationed out medication, listened, laughed, directed, danced, and problem solved if that is what they've needed. I've even cried with them. I am human and I care a lot. If someone has read this blog post and is turned off by hiring me because of it, then they were not meant to be mine and I am not the right fit for them. I don't do this job to get more clients, I do this job because I love it.
Well, I'm sure I could ramble on about this, but I think you get the picture. Of course I don't want to put anyone off, but I do hope that this has helped someone out there to know that they aren't alone, I know I'm not alone, and there can be a better tomorrow. I have an accountablilty partner in Florida who has faced life changing events as well and we are working together to encourage each other to get our lives back in order for the sake of our families, businesses, and sanity. Too many people choose their careers over their families, and that's wrong. I've made a commitment to love, honor, and cherish my husband until death parts us and I intend to honor that commitment to him and my son. I can't imagine why letting engaged couples know that even though life is hard I'm choosing to stay and ignoring the easy out of running would be a bad thing or discouraging. I would hope that when they find themselves feeling the same way, they might find some encouragement in knowing that you can work through it and come out victorious.
Friday, November 20, 2009 at 04:55PM 
Meggie Velasco
