Who has 2 thumbs, an overflowing inbox, trouble concentrating, and mono?

THIS GUY!!

Kidding?  Nope, not kidding.  Talk about adding insult to injury!  If I wasn't on Adderall, then who knows how tired I would be.  So all of you who have met me recently who think I have so much energy, I guess you should see me when I don't have mono. 

There's no way of knowing how long I've had it.  My guess is probably late September when things started going down hill. 

FUN TIMES!

"Meggie, I think it's wonderful that you are at the breaking point. It means you've had it and you're ready to make a change. No more giving up the things that mean the most to you, no more pretending you can do it all, no more saying yes when you want to say no. You've put your foot down and you really mean it. Your beautiful life is waiting for you to meet it. I'm so excited about the next year for you. This is when your life and your business are going to take on a whole new perspective because you're not taking any thing else. It's a slow and arduous road. Remember, you lost your life in steps. You'll get it back in steps. Go easy on yourself. As crazy as it is for me to say...I'm so excited about this moment for you!!! Wohoo!! Good things are coming...."

Davina is RIGHT!  Think of it in terms of someone suffering from an addiction.  They can seek treatment over and over again, and still continue to fall back into their habit.  They will continue to use.  They will get better until they reach a breaking point.  In that breaking point they will have a moment of clarity when they realize they can't keep living this way and they have to seek help to turn things around.  While that low is REALLY low, it has to happen.  Once they're clean, they also have to change their environment and eliminate any of the triggers that might make them want to use again.  They have to get rid of those temptations.  Someone has to teach them what to do when those temptations arise.  That's where I am.  I've hit a low that's given me a moment of clarity that I need to change my life or I won't be able to live a healthy life starting next year.  It can only get worse if I don't seek help NOW. 

If you don't follow Davina, you should.  Not only is she talented, but she has GREAT life tips.  She was where I am a few years ago and she took control.  She has these great kits that she calls Insight.  I can't WAIT for the next one that she's releasing.  It's called....wait for it....."GET YOUR LIFE BACK"!  Perfect timing?  I think so.  The one that will be released after this one is perfect timing as well, but I don't want to say what it is because it hasn't been officially announced yet and I think Davina should be the one to do it and not me.

I am going to try to do what I can to post things that I'm doing to regain control.  I'm not going to committ to doing that because I don't want to get discouraged if a couple of weeks go by and I haven't posted anything.  The last thing I need is more discouragement from not meeting deadlines or things taking longer than anticipated. 

One of my triggers is my house.  I have ADHD and I'm VERY distractible.  My house is cluttered.  Now, we're not one of those houses that you see on Clean House, but it's enough to really get under my skin.  Since I need to focus on my post processing, I've removed myself from the thing that is bothering me the most outside of work.  I've ditched the family, packed up my office (literally), and traveled to an "undisclosed location" where I have everything I need, but nothing from my daily life to distract me.  It's not a HUGE secret where I am, and you can probably figure it out, but I don't want to say in case there are some of you that are near by and want to get together...that would defeat the purpose.  I'll be distraction free till Sunday when Noah and my parents will be joining me.  After that, I will still be able to work, there will just be a little boy who will periodically want to answer my emails for me and my mom will be looking over my shoulder wondering what I'm working on. 

One thing that has really kept my spirits up are the shoots I've had.  I don't really like to toot my own horn....but these are REALLY good.  I can't take full credit by any means, God has brought the PERFECT people to me.  Let's just say that the past 5 shoots I've gotten everything I need in the first 10 minutes of shooting.  Everything past that was just gravy! 

I have to get back to albums and editing, but I want to leave you with something to look forward to.  Here is a selection from the weddings that I still have coming up to finish and blog.

This is a long overdue post and is very long and is filled with random thoughts and I'm sure plenty of errors.  This is more than just a brain dump.  This is...       

I don't know what this is.  But I feel like it's something I have to get out there if I ever want things to get better.

I always knew I wanted to be a photographer.  I love love love photography.  When I took my first photography class when I was 15, Mr. Greenway said that when you saw your first image start to appear on the paper in the developer, you will be hooked for life.  It is truly magical.  From that first day in the darkroom, I never wanted to leave.  I took all 3 photo classes that year and they let me study independently for the next 2 years.  I spent countless hours in the darkroom.  My dad even built me a darkroom in our basement one year for my birthday.  I love everything about photography.  I love the sound of the lens locking into place and the shutter clicking.  I love seeing a photograph in everything.  I love imagining what the images will look like as a finished piece of art even before I press the shutter button.  I love the smell of the darkroom.  I love seeing other photographer's work.  I love going through the B&H catalog.  I love everything about photography.  I feel so fortunate to have found my passion so early on in my life and I'm proud to say that I've been a photographer for nearly 15 years. 

When you asked me what I wanted to do with my life, I would say that I wanted to do something creative.  I was afraid to be a photographer.  I was afraid that if it was my job, I would grow to hate it because it was a job.  There is a little truth in that.  When I was shooting for someone else in jobs that were clearly not right for me, I didn't like it.  It was because I hated the situation I was in while I was taking those pictures.  I wasn't shooting what I wanted to shoot.  The problem was that I didn't really know what my niche was.  I tried just about every avenue of photography, and never really excelled at any of them.  The only time I had a photographed picked for the student gallery in college was when I was on the jury my last semester.  When I left college, I had no idea what to do.  I don't know how many people said "You should do weddings.  There's a lot of money in weddings".  My response was always the same and had some combination of reasons having to do with not wanting to sell out, not wanting to shoot the same boring stuff every weekend, and preferring nature because you don't have to tell it what to do.  The truth was that photographing people scared the crap out of me.  I didn't even know where to start to tell someone what to do.  Sure, I made my sister model for me when I was in high school, but she was my little sister and it was just for fun.  When my friends asked me to shoot their wedding, I seriously initially told them no.  I don't do weddings.  They insisted and saw something in me.  My only experience in shooting weddings was friends giving me film to snap a few during their weddings, being a bride, and the countless wedding magazines I had gone through.  I was scared to death and can't believe I didn't make any major mistakes.  I still use a couple of their pictures in my portfolio.  I was hooked.  It was just like the first time I saw a picture come up in the darkroom.

I never set out to do this.  I didn't decide one day that I wanted to open a wedding photography studio and go and research what it takes.  Word got around and people just started contacting me.  I still had a full time job and just did the wedding stuff on the side.  I had no idea what I was doing.  I literally made everything up as I went along.  No one taught me how to price, do albums, come up with workflow, or anything.  I didn't know anyone in the business.  I had no idea that there was this whole network of blogs, forums, workshops, and products out there to use as support.  When I had Noah, I quit my job and thought that I would give this whole photography business a shot.  I didn't have a plan.  I was still trying to figure out how to do this while I was coping with caring for an infant 24/7.  I cried a lot.  I didn't know what I was doing.

Almost a year later, a friend of mine introduced me to a girl she knew in college, Kelly Moore Clark.  When I saw her pictures, I was in awe.  She photographed everything my mind saw, but didn't know how to produce.  It was the first time I had ever seen something like that.  For Christmas that year, my parents payed for me to go to her first workshop.  I turned a major corner.  She taught in a way that I got.  I learned things that I should have learned in photography 101 that I never understood.  She unlocked this door in my head that unleashed all this information that was groundbreaking for me.  It changed everything.  I left on fire!  My shooting got better, my editing got better, and I was finally introduced to this community of resources. 

That was February of 2007.  Since then, my business has exploded.  People actually want to hire me and other photographers want my opinion.  I don't know why.  I don't know what I'm doing.  I say that I'm an organized mess, emphasis on the mess.  When I was introduced to that, I was then found that the possibilities were endless.  I still didn't have someone to mentor me and help me decide what was right for me.  It took me a long time to realize that no one could tell me what was right for me.  I just had to research to find out for myself.  But those were all things that should have been done at the beginning instead of in the middle of all the craziness.  There was no good place and no available time to really deconstruct everything and do it right.  So then everything I made up along the way started to get tangeled.  Then life started to get tangeled as well.

When Noah turned 2, he wasn't talking.  Sure, he was babbling, but he never said words.  We found out that he had severe hearing loss when he failed a hearing test.  We put tubes in his ears and he passed the same test 2 weeks later.  Praise Jesus!  Everyone told us about how they knew someone who started talking days after getting tubes.  Not our Noah.  We started down a road that I never thought we would be on.  This road is paved with opinions, doctors, therapists, bills, specialists, psychologists, hard phonecalls, waiting lists, open doors, and closed doors.  We don't know what Noah has.  The child psych diagnosed him as having "Noah".  He tested on the Autism spectrum twice last year.  However, given his medical history of hearing loss and the fact that he's incredibly social, there are many question marks on whether that would be an accurate diagnosis.  I am thankful that he didn't rush to label him.  We are able to get the help he needs without that diagnosis.  Once you're labeled "autistic", you can't get rid of it.  So now he goes to a special ed preschool 3 days a week and therapy the other 2 days.

I work out of my house.  I've turned the living room into work space and the dining room is currently storage. There isn't any separation between work and life.  When Noah's here, he's VERY present.  There is no doubt in my mind that he has a pretty bad ADHD.  Sometimes he sleeps and sometimes he doesn't.  When he doesn't, he has to be under near constant supervision.  If you think you have him set, curled up on the couch watching a movie, and maybe can slip into the other room to check email, it's a gamble.  I might get lucky and he might fall asleep.  But more than likely I'll either get pulled into the den to have an epic battle to the death with spiderman/wolverine/transformer/jedi warrior (that I usually lose) or I'll realize that he's playing in one of the toilets.  When Adam comes home at 5:30, I pass Noah off to him for the rest of the night.  I try to then confine myself to my studio, but it never happens.  I'm pulled away to see yet another epic battle or be the gunman while Adam and Noah are having a "shoord" (sword) fight.  Even though I'm not "the parent on duty", the distractions are still there and I'm "on call".  Most people get to go to an office where all they have there to do is their job.  I have several full time jobs that all overlap and are all in the same place.  My jobs include, but are not limited to, accountant, editor, designer, PR, housekeeper, home owner, mom, shipping and receiving, photographer, HR, receptionist, family tech support, therapist, customer service, inventory specialist, teacher, and wife.....all of which I'm failing miserably at.

This is my reality

I work at least 12 hours a day 7 days a week.  I eat in front of my computer.  I have constant headaches and backaches.  I've had an 18 month old for 2 1/2 years.  I've been potty training since June with no end in sight.  I have 5 weddings, 9 sessions, 3 charity projects, 1 commercial shoot, and 7 albums on my to do list.  That doesn't include the random email requests that I get during the day.  My front porch needs to be replaced.  My carpet needs to be cleaned.  There are piles of laundry all over the place.  We are fighting mice who like to poop in my printer tray.  I've tried to find mothers day out programs to send Noah, but the open sports magically become unavailable when they hear they hear that he has some special needs.  There are a plethora of people who are in a hurry to tell me what I need to do, but no one to help me do it.  I have piles of paper all over my desk.  I have hundreds of pictures of Noah that I'll never be able to get to.  I feel guilty when I sleep, eat, take a shower, get my hair done, go somewhere with my family, or anything that takes me away from the business because so much needs to done. How dare I do something else when so many people are waiting on me.  I'm pushed to take as much work that comes my way as possible, even though the voice in the back of my head says I shouldn't.  I can't tell you the last time I made it to church.  I don't know where my Bible is.  I work my tail off every day and feel like I have very little to show for it.  I set reasonable goals, but can't seem to keep them.  I've never had a completely blank to do list.  I've never been able to start a wedding season with nothing to do except preparing for my next shoot.  I'm tired of fielding the "when are you having another kid" questions (we have no plans as of now, yes Noah can be an only child, there's nothing wrong with just having one, if you had to go through what I've been through since he literally was taken out of me, you wouldn't be in a hurry either).  My work life is toxic for my family.  My family life is toxic for my work.  I feel very alone in my struggles. 

Some of the things I'm about to type are not meant to hurt anyone's feelings or make anyone feel like I am ungrateful for anything.  I am incredibly grateful for everyone who has helped me.  I just have a lot of things that I've been feeling that I haven't been able to figure out how to say.  I feel very alone in my struggles.  I know that there are people out there who know where I am and have gone through similar areas, and that's not what I mean.  I mean that there are a lot areas in my life that need to change and I don't feel like anyone else can recognize it but me.  I have a lot of support in having my business.  Adam supports me working.  He supports me to take as many jobs as possible.  He never complains when I have to work.  My dad is a businessman and knows what you have to do to keep your business going.  I've been conditioned to never put a limit on the business that people want to give you.  You take everything that comes your way.  The part of me that's my dad supports this and is afraid to say no to anything.  In doing this, my house has become neglected.  While Adam means well and has ever intention of doing things, they still don't get done.  If something has to be done, about 75% of the time, I have to be the one to do it or initiate the action to get it done on top of 100% of the snowballing workload from the business and Noah.  I get the harmless questions of when things will be done at least 2 to 3 times a day.  My parents ask about when home stuff will be done.  My sister wants to know when I'll have Noah's Halloween pictures up.  My mom wants to know when I'll get to certain weddings.  All those harmless questions start to add up and really wear on me.  I'm scared to check my email and voicemail because I don't know what's going to be there.  I've tried to kick adam and noah out for a week to have time with no distractions, but that was shot down.  I can't seem to catch a break.  Even when someone comes to help out around the house whether it's my mom or a babysitter, I'm still not left alone.  They still pull me away with questions.  Then there are friends I haven't seen in months.  Everyone's reaction is the same to crazy busy.  It's a good thing that I'm crazy busy because that means growth for the business.  The kind of busy that I am shouldn't have happened though.  It should have all been under control from day one.  Until these people around me truely see and understand the struggles that I'm having, they won't really understand why I'm so far gone and feel this way.  Something is very wrong and it's not just the pitfalls of owning a business.  I'm not ok with continuing on like this.  I normally say something like "It's ok that I'm upset or worried about this, you just need to let me feel the way I feel so i can move on".  Where I am IS NOT OK. 

I can't even write everything that has been going through my head.  Overall, I feel like no one around me, none of the people who are my support system, knows the struggles I'm facing.  Having a business is hard.  Being the only employee of that business is hard.  Having a child with special needs is hard.  Keeping a good and healthy relationship with my husband in spite of those things is hard.  I can see why some people cut and run.  I'm ashamed to say that the enemy has put that thought into my head more than once.  He's told me that if I were on my own, life would be so much easier. 

THAT IS A LIE

I have found peace in my God who loves me more than I will ever understand as a human and will never never let me fall.  Sure, if I were single and just had the business, my business would be easier to manage.  Sure, if we didn't have Noah, then I could work while Adam's at work and get everything done like a normal job.  Sure, if Noah didn't have special needs, we could find a mother's day out program for him like all the other mother's out there.  But my life is with Adam and Noah and all that comes with that.  They are my boys and our highs far out way our lows.  Noah's laugh is the sweetest sound my heart has ever heard and I would be devastated if I couldn't ever hear it again.  Adam is my best friend and I would be lost without him. 

No, you don't have to talk me off of a ledge.  I know what you're thinking, "Meggie, you need help", and you're right.  I am hopeful that I will have someone in the office soon and we are putting plans in place for that to happen sometime soon.  If any of you have read this far and are new photographers who want to help, thank you, but no thank you.  I am not looking to hire another photographer anytime soon.  We are still trying to come up with options for the times that Noah doesn't have school. 

I recently went back to Louisianna to see Kelly.  We talked through what's going on and she told me everything I already knew, but needed to hear from someone else.  She asked me why I have the photography business.  Is it because it can be good money?  Or is it because I love photography?  If I could do nothing else the rest of my life and not even get payed a cent, I would do photography.  The money is just a perk and the business is a necessary evil.  When I left, I put together a 10 step program to try to reclaim my life.  I want to be rid of all the toxins in my life and home that are preventing me from finding balance.  I want to detox by December 31st.  I want to start 2010 clean and ready to rebuild.  I've been telling myself all these lies that I can do this alone and I don't need help.  Shame on you society for making mother's feel like they have to do it all themselves because that's their "job" and it's the life they chose.  The worst part about being a mother, is other mothers.  Yes, I am a working mother, and it's what works for me.  The best thing I can do is find what works best for my family and go with it. 

I just put a lot out there.  But I'm desperate to get my life back.  And I didn't know any other way to get started than to write it down.

I've asked for patience from you before, and I'm hoping that this will be the last time I ever have to ask for it again.  But please, as I'm going through this cleansing process, be patient with me.  I also ask for your support, positive thoughts, and prayers. 

I WILL NO LONGER BE A SLAVE.  I'M TAKING MY LIFE BACK.

This is a link to a video of Il Divo singing Amazing Grace that my friend Daryl sent me.  It's incredibly beautiful and really spoke to my heart.  I don't know how many times I've heard Amazing Grace throughout my life, but watching it was like hearing it for the first time.  I wish I could embed it so you didn't have to go to a separate page, but I can't find the code.  

IL DIVO - AMAZING GRACE

ENJOY!!!

I've never done any kind of processing like this before and it took me HOURS.  I'm really happy with the outcome though.  What do you think?

We weren't allowed to shoot in the sanctuary at all during the ceremony.  There is one point where I was allowed to take a picture of Leigh and her dad before they walked in, and these were when I was waiting for the coordinator to wave me over.  Yes, Church Street is strict on the photographers who shoot there, but I didn't mind at all.  I liked working with the coordinator there and I'm thrilled with the shots I was able to get.  If they had not put those restrictions on us, I wouldn't have gotten the shots below which are 2 of my favorites.  I've never been able to shoot anything like these before because I've been in the sactuary for the processional.  So let that be a lesson to you photographers, just because a church restricts what you can do, doesn't mean that you can't turn out something amazing.

It's kind of hard to see, but these are seperate shots.  That's why not everything lines up just right.

Yes, there was one lonely guy out there to catch the garter.  And yes, he missed.

As you know October is national breast cancer month.  It's the one month out of the year where our nation's favorite color is pink and my hair makes sense!  I'm actually able to participate in the race this year.  It's on October 24th and you can register HERE.  If you would like to participate and don't have a team, you can join mine.  One of the girls from the office where Noah goes to speech and OT is putting a team together, Ta Ta Sisterhood.  We would love to have you join our team if you like.  We're putting t-shirts together, so let me know if you're joining and if you would like a t-shirt and I'll make sure that Rebekah has your email on her list to keep you in the loop.  If you can't participate and would still like to make a donation, ever little bit counts.  I've already reached my fundraising goal, but my team still needs help.  If you would like to make a donation, you can do that by clicking HERE. HELP US SAVE THOSE TIG OL' BITTIES WE HOLD SO DEAR!

Richard and Akiko got married at Calvary Baptist on Kingston Pike and their reception was downtown at Club LeConte.  They chose to see each other before the ceremony so we could take our time and have some fun with pictures.  There was this great old stone structure down a pretty scary stairway that was AWESOME!  Walking down wasn't so bad...but it really sucked walking back up. Totally worth it though!

Seeing each other for the first time.

Katie grabbed this shot of me.  Thought you might want to see what I was seeing.  And yes, apparently I do smile the entire time I'm taking pictures.

I think this is my fave.

For those of you who are familiar with The Bleak House...see if you can figure out where I shot this one.

These people were stopped at a red light and we flagged them down to use their car!

I shot Kevin and Rebecca's wedding back at the end of June.  They got married in Corryton, TN, the same place we did their e.session back in April.  It was a perfect summer day complete with the yummy yellow late afternoon sun...MY FAVE!!!  While it was a bit on the hot side, it was a great day.  I'm sorry I don't have many words right now, it's 4am!

That is House Mountain in the background. 

I'm very impressed by this tear rolling down Becca's cheek.  It's very Demi Moore in Ghost!

2 goobers.....CHECK!!!

mmmmm....yummy light

I love sweet parent child dances

Note to future brides.  Birdseed is great, except when you're super sweaty and then it sticks EVERYWHERE!!!

Then they ended the day with a fabulous sunset.